U.S.N.

Here are a few steps that led me to signing a contract with the United States Navy.  I realized that I had the characteristics, desire, and abilities to do police work in 2003.  I knew at that time I had the talent and mindset to be naturally drawn to law enforcement (and a ton of family who are in law enforcement). It hit me like a brick to the head that this was in my blood.  In 2006 I graduated the 8 month Reserve Officer Law Enforcement Academy and reserved with a local P.D. for just a few months. 

 I then left because I really felt I needed to check out a few other career options prior to really devoting myself to law enforcement.  That seemed to have paved the way for a very rough road ahead.  From 2006-2011 I interviewed roughly 20 times with police departments all over the state.  Several times I was one of the top candidates but it just never panned out.  I don’t have a degree, I am not female (no offense ladies), and I am not bilingual. This left me in the “dime a dozen” category.

 Clearly I started to doubt myself and really just had no other direction I felt even remotely interested in.  I tried searching for a career that would offer me the physical and mental challenges I need in a profession.  Finally I came to the conclusion that military would suit me great as well.   I have an uncle that was a Commander in the Navy, an uncle in the Army, my brother was in the Air Force, and the list goes on.  Also makes sense that maybe this was the route I was designed by God to take.  After much prayer and discussion we, as a family, began researching which branch to join.  The cut off age for Air Force and Coast Guard is 27, so that wasn’t going to work.  So I was left with Army, Marines, and Navy.    

   I chose Navy simply because I believe it will be the best fit for us as a family.  I started the process of joining the Navy in November.  This also proved to be a difficult and stressful process of jumping a lot of hoops with the kids, our house, injuries from racing, etc.  Needless to say, we got it handled and I am sworn into the Navy as a Master at Arms. 

   I leave in fourteen days.  Most people spend 6 months or more in the DEP (Delayed Entry Program- waiting to ship to boot camp).  I had a little over a month and a half.  So I have been doing a lot of studying and exercising.  I believe I am prepared for boot camp.  The toughest obstacle I will face won’t be found in Great Lakes, Illinois.  My toughest obstacle(s) will be my children at home.  I have never been away from them like this.  However, I do believe kids are resilient and they will adapt to the new changes we will encounter.  It will be at night time when everything is finally quiet that I will really dwell on the girls being at home and me not being there.  I have no doubt I will cry on some nights, and I am not afraid to admit that.   

 There are a lot of unknowns that have me stressed such as deployments (at least 6 months away from family at a time), what my working conditions will actually be like, and also currently we have no idea where we will live.  I know in my heart we still made the right decision but it will be hard.  We will do much relying on friends, family, and church to help us along our path. 

   I am most likely just going to fulfill the contracts 4 year commitment and then get out.  The next 4 years are going to cause me to grow emotionally, physically, and mentally.  Looking 4 years down the road, I can smile about that.  I look forward to being challenged.  I look forward to seeing what “I am made of”.  Also, this may be my only chance in this life to see the world like this.  So if you pray, please pray.  If you don’t believe in prayer, keep us in your thoughts. This will be a struggle for us, but we know it will work out just as it was intended to.   Thanks for being there for us.  

Nikita

    We rescued Nikita at 4 months old. She was my first dog and right off the bat we noticed when she would get up from laying down her back end would dance and wobble around. At the time I didn't really understand what it was and just thought it was a puppy thing. But at about 14 months she was x-rayed and both hips were dysplastic. I took her to a specialist and he said just to keep her on glucosamine and continue walking her. He said the only thing he would recommend would be two complete hip replacements ($8,000). So we just nursed her along and we hit a lot of bumps in the road with her becoming defensive when she would be lying down (laid down most of the day but still had the heart of brain of a puppy). And lately she just became too aggressive towards our 1 year old daughter and also started attacking our other German Shepherd puppy when he would come near out of defense. She was in a lot of pain and instinct was over-riding her thought process some times. But we just couldn't keep rolling the dice and we knew one of these times our daughter was going to get bit and it would be no one’s fault but our own. I attempted re-homing her but the home would have to be free of animals, kids, and any other type of abuse whether it be physical or verbal. It was very difficult and it was purely a liability to place her in the hands of someone who didn’t understand her. She truly was a one family dog that needed to stay in her forever home.

   She was a backyard-bred American Bloodline dog. She had behavior issues and also a very weak temperament. But she was such a great house dog besides when she just wanted to lay down and be left alone. I am almost completely convinced she was part dog, part human. She showed emotion most dogs would never show. I miss not being able to come home and see her come running up to me to say, “welcome home dad!” (the way dogs do of course). She loved to cuddle when watching T.V. and hang out by the dinner table to wait for scraps to flop onto the ground so she could sneak over there and take them back to the living room to eat them. She loved going to the ocean and lakes to run free and go for a swim. You could see the amazing spirit she had inside in those moments because she appeared to completely ignore the pain and have no care in the world. It was at those times you saw the real Nikita in all her beauty. The Nikita she desired to be.

   She will forever be a huge part of this family, and she made such an impact of my life. The attachment we had as a family was amazing. The day she was scheduled to end her journey on this earth, we did our best to make it a memorable one. My wife set out a steak to thaw. That morning she dined like a princess. While she took her sweet time nibbling on the steak my wife and I scrambled to gear up the kids for a trip to the lake. We knew this trip would be nothing short of bitter sweet. As we arrived, Nikita quickly showed that youthful spirit she had when faced with another “adventure” for her. Watching her run and splash in the water was so fun, but I was quickly reminded of the fact that two hours from then my dog would be dead. I wanted to completely skip the appointment but we couldn’t risk it anymore. It was so terrible holding her fate in our hands. It was like we were just “tricking” her all morning that life was great. But it wasn’t. Once people began piling onto the sand we realized it was time to leave. I knew it was the last time she would ever have fun and share joy with us….and that killed me. We went home and dropped off the kids in preparation for the insanely long drive to the Vet’s Office even though it was only about a seven minute drive.

   Upon arrival to the place I would last see my dog, I felt like I couldn’t do it. My wife went inside to pre-pay, and I took Nikita for one last stroll on the end of the leash. She knew things weren’t right. She knew “mom” and “dad” were very sad.

   We took her inside and we were quickly put in the “last room on the right”. I never want to see that room again by the way. Two nurses assembled in the room and wasted no time preparing the injections. One nurse shaved a spot on her front leg to locate the vein. Meanwhile, I had to hold myself back from grabbing the leash and walking out with her before they could go any further. I debated what we were about to do a hundred times in my head, but I knew there was no going back. I held her head and would pet her and kiss her while she locked eyes with us and shook in fear. A moment later she started collapsing. I continued to hold her head because I wasn’t ready to let go. She slumped down on the cold table and instantly no longer looked like Nikita. We slipped her old collar off of her and said goodbye. It was a very helpless feeling. I would have fought for this dog and instead had to willingly watch her die.

  

     This was a tough thing for us to go through, but I am eternally thankful that she is freed from pain, anxiety, and fear. I am also thankful because we rescued her. We don’t know what her life would have been like in the hands of someone else if we had not taken the 5 hour drive to bring home our first dog to call our own. I truly believe we gave her a great life and offered her more love than she could have received anywhere else.
   
    We miss you hunny! I pray you are roaming grassy hillsides, jumping into gorgeous lakes, and it brings me peace knowing that you are not feeling an ounce of pain. Thank you God, for allowing her to be in our lives.

                                                                  Nikita
                                           August 13th , 2008 -  June 14th , 2011

Deep thoughts

These are just totally random thoughts that hit me..Yes, they are short and unfinished but I will some time.　

 　"Through the reflection in your eyes
I saw myself take two steps back
I feel like a cloud surrendering to the wind
Push me aside, punish me for the things I've done
This unsettling pain burrows its way to my heart

As I bury my knees into the gravel
I taste the warmth of a bitter tear
I cry out for your forgiveness and beg for the
courage to rise to my feet once again
I feel I can only make mistakes in your eyes"

　

　

"When your eyes met mine a spark ignited inside my soul

An undying love most desire and few achieve

Together you have altered my understandings of life

My devotion for you will never fail

If I shall fall victim to this world

Remember that I am within you eternally

My heart may cease to beat once again

But from above ours will pulse as one

We will meet again

Before the eyes of God we will embrace a

Life free of pain and suffering

A life that knows no bounds"

"This temptation drives me to question my devotion
I've turned my back to be freed from your judgements
I prayed for this darkness to drained from my body
How can I compromise love for lust?
I stummbled and began to fall
It was then that I became weightless and felt your arms carry me into the light"

"I feel this rush of determination pound throughout my body I will Shatter every wall that stands in opposition

Like light piercing the blackened clouds

I am unbreakable"

"What's causing this pain? Why won't it go away?
I've come too far to be stretched so thin
You cannot hold me down
How long can this heart remain dormant?
Frozen solid demanding to be thawed by the warmth of another
I will destroy these barriers that imprison your love
from drowning my heart"

"I've shed a hundred tears today
Each tear gently whispering your name as it passes my ears
Filled with love, these tears bounced off the water below
I have devoted my heart to you and thought you would do the same
I cannot give you everything inside me unless you prove yourself to me
Between this balance of right and wrong you have fallen victim
I am trying to pull you back where you belong..in my arms

Come back to me
Fill me with your love again

With every tear that falls I feel myself emptying
All I want is to hear your voice, see your smile and know everything is how it belongs
How can you gamble with my heart?
Break loose of the past! You must push forward!
It harbors a darkness that haunts me
Only you can stop it"

"Everywhere I look your face appears to me
It is a constant reminder of what I am searching for
If the ground beneath you shall crummble and fall
I will be there to catch you
You transformed this darkened soul into a blinding light that craves to be held in your eyes
The words that fall from your lips echo in my mind
If the world turns its back on you, I will give my last breath standing beside you"

Men vs. Woman thought process on the same sex.

This is my perception of how males and females view each other on a daily basis. 

   Let’s just pretend we are at the mall “people watching”.  The majority of males walk passed other males and they get in miniature stare downs as they continue to walk by.  I believe males look at other males in order to “size them up” and figure out if they can “take them”.  I know when I am watching other guys (especially the ones who look like they are out for a fight); I look for any weaknesses such as a limp, locate any weapons, the way they hold their hands, their overall posture to see if they are confident, and the particular clothes they are wearing.  I pay close attention to the clothes primarily because, quite frankly, it can be used against them or hide weapons.  The baggy shirts can easy be used to choke them (called a Gi Choke), or you could go hockey-style and pull it over their heads, and the baggy pants most of all limit their mobility (running, kicking, etc.).  I believe most guys think this way just maybe not to the extent I do, but let me clarify that I strictly do it as a form of defense and not to initiate fights. 

 Women are on a totally different thought process level.  If you watch the women they will look at another woman and completely scan her from head to toe (usually followed by a disgusted look on their face for some reason).  I am convinced the initial reasoning for this is to see who is more physically attractive.  Women are so critical on what other women wear and how they wear it.  This seems to be an internal competition between them.  The question is why do we do this? 

 I think the answer is pretty simple.  The media, history, and society tells us to.  There is no hiding that men LOVE violence.  We crave movies, video games, and T.V. shows that promote fighting and killing and we feel it is in our nature.  We are designed to be the hunters and protectors for our families.  This absolutely gets converted into our everyday lives.  We have completely taught ourselves to act this way by repeatedly exposing ourselves to violence one way or another.

  Women have been force-fed by T.V. and magazines to believe they need to have perfect bodies and wear clothes that promote their bodies in a sexy manner (not that I am complaining!). They constantly place a huge stress on themselves in an attempt to be the best looking woman in eye view of a man that they hold grudges towards women whom they find “threatening”. 

Bottom line:

 Women, you don’t need to dress perfect and have ten pounds of make-up on to be attractive (we can figure it out).

 Men, you don’t always need to be the “tough guy” and walk around glaring or attempting to start fights…being nice is okay once in a while.

Yesterday's prayer

Lord, only you know where my skills, interests, and ambitions can best be used for your kingdom and to release my heart from this grip of the unknown. Please search my heart and soul and let it be known to me! I feel very torn between what you ask of me. I feel a tug of war occurring, and my arms are outstretched to welcome an additional page in the book of my life.

I know without a doubt I am one of many soldiers in your army. I sense that currently I have been given my sword, shield, and armor but am lacking direction as to where to fight. I am ready to fight for you and fight this darkness the world embraces. I want to grapple with it. I want to defeat it. Show me! Where is my fight to be held? Am I there? Am I already in it? I have so much in me, and I will do battle for you.

Stay at home Daddy

Let me begin by explaining why I am a stay at home Daddy.  My wife, Estella, is currently in the police academy.  With her income alone it isn't necessary for me to work plus we are saving money by bypassing daycare....for now.

Being a stay at home Daddy has many rewarding aspects to it but it also has its share of big challenges.  Having an 8 month old daughter and a two year old daughter can be quite the handful at times.  In the early morning I awake to the sounds of cries through the baby monitor.  I rush to the kitchen (if you could picture a zombie “rushing”) in the hopes of making a bottle, feeding her, and then racing back to dream world.  But, as you would expect, this doesn’t happen often.  My two year old, Amaylie, usually hears Jordyn cry and also wakes up to join in the torturing process.  The instant Amaylie is out of bed she says, “I want to watch cartoons”.   I typically finish feeding Jordyn, put her back to bed for a few more hours, grab a pillow and blanket, and then throw myself on the couch for some cartoon action.  Just as I start to doze off again I hear, “I want cereal”!  This is basically how the rest of my day is played out.  Bouncing back and forth between the two girls and the two dogs doing the best I can to keep them all happy and challenged throughout the day.  I usually try to sneak in a nap while they are sleeping just after lunch, too (almost always interrupted by those annoying things called cell phones).  Shortly after the naps are completed I like to toss the kids in the stroller, hook the leashes up to our German Shepherds, and take a long walk to get out of the house.  Once the walk is finished we usually settle down for some dinner, watch TV, play, and then this is when the freedom starts….bed time for the kiddos! 

Kids+bed time= Shayne time.  This is when I watch actual normal adult shows such as Family Guy, Wipeout, and the Ultimate Fighting Championship.  In addition, I get geared up for some Call of Duty Black Ops over XBOX Live to destroy online opponents world-wide.  Once the eyes are burning and cease to function, I finally get the message and slump my way into bed.  Repeat.

Despite the challenges of raising children, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I know I have accomplished the most important thing I could ever accomplish in this life.  Sharing the huge amounts of love, laughter, and even sadness is the most amazing thing I could ever hope for.